Mild Kingdom

You know, I am coming to love going to the grocery store. Oh, not because it is a great place to cruise; although it would be if I were in the market for old women who line the aisles like arterial plaque in a giant scale model of a blood vessel. No, what I love is getting to observe the mating rituals of the late teen bag boys. Nothing says romance to me like watching a spotty callow youth sullenly flirt with the not-having-anything-to-do-with-it cashiers. The perfunctory passes are not always begrudgingly carried out: the other day, I was able to witness preening behavior of such splendor, I decided to write it up and share it with you.
The male specimen was quite a splendid example of his species. Although most of his plumage was concealed beneath his drab garb (navy aprons and grey shirts don’t flatter anyone), we were able to observe several of his distinguishing features. He had close-cropped hair. This was accented by a piece of lip fuzz, the likes of which probably took him several weeks (and would take me approximately three hours) to grow. His eyes were close-set; the brows fine and dark. His skin was mostly clear. All of this was set on a thin frame. It is important to note the lack of a shell necklace (a la Chaci in Joanie Loves Chaci) that indicates he will be willing to have sex with men for money in about 2 years; even sooner if the necklace wearer has a piercing anywhere on his body. As for the female, well who really cares what she looked like?
I was unable to witness the opening of the mating display as the woman in front of me was quite repellent and I spent the whole time she was wasting good air imagining her imminent demise, preferably by large squishing object of ironic proportions. An African Elephant dropped by a helicopter, let’s say. However, the bag boy had the grace to include that woman as part of his display; perhaps to indicate that he would still be interested in the cashier when she becomes unattractive (which in my estimation will be shortly after her first child and shortly before her first divorce).
After I was barely acknowledged, the male resumed his display. I noticed at this point he was also preening for the cashier (C2) in the next aisle over as well. She was a little more cruel (which made me respect her immediately) and subtly encouraged him to direct his attentions to my cashier (C1). Although I was unable to secure a recording of the mating ritual, here is what I was able to discern:

BB: You going to watch me when I go for it?
C2: Sure, baby.
BB: (to C1) Yeah, I’m going to go on American Idol
C1: (unresponsive)
BB: You going to watch me when I go on?
C1: Well, I’m probably going to have to work.
BB: Yeah, but will you tape it?
C1: When are you going to be on it?
BB: Well, I don’t know yet.
C1: How can I tape it then?
BB: Well, like when I go on, I’ll tell you.
C1: (almost inaudible sigh) Okay.
BB: So you’ll watch it when I go on?
C1: If I am not working and it’s taped, I guess so.
BB: (pleased) All right.

Now, I almost felt sorry for the lad at this point. But then I remembered I don’t have human emotions, so I didn’t. I did, however, manage not to laugh at him. I thought that was a big accomplishment, all things considered.