Nuts

I have almost run over and killed two squirrels in two days. Now, you know for sure that I would never in a trillion years purposefully aim for those squirrels. However, these two rodents seemed hell-bent on their own destruction. Both ran out in the road TOWARDS the large object that I drive. This is most contrary to typical prey behavior. Just ask any of the birds that fly off whenever I get closer than fifty feet away.

In addition to being traumatizing to the squirrels, it has shaken me up as well. You know, because I am the kind of person who catches bugs and releases them outside. I decided a long time ago that I could not be responsible for causing suffering (well, of animals anyway. Fuck people; they get what they deserve). That’s why I quit eating meat, why I quit wearing leather, why I only buy free range eggs, and why I really should quit eating dairy (I’m working on it).

The only exception I make to my “no cruelty” rule is parasites and disease vectors, such as mosquitoes. The recent weather conditions have facilitated a boom in the mosquito population such that could only be described using biblical phraseology. And, of course, I’m delicious. Consequently, Deep Woods OFF is my new fragrance. And since the little bloodsuckers are so determined to sup from me (would that be the blue platelet special?) that they will fly up into my clothing and worm down into my socks, I have developed a new morning ritual. It’s really something to see, if you relish terrifying sights. I stand nude in the kitchen, aiming the hissing mist of the OFF down each of my extremities, down my back and up my chest. The mist is cold, so I squeal a little (no, not like a pig) when it makes contact with my back. Then I work the OFF in, wash my hands, get dressed, and ponder the indignities of existence as I drive to work.